


Wake Up and Remember that You Can't Forget

by dazzamre



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-21
Updated: 2011-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-14 22:39:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/154243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dazzamre/pseuds/dazzamre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Too late to sleep, too soon to rise<br/>You’re short of breath - Is it a heart attack?<br/>Hot and feverish you face the fact</i><br/>- "Can You Forgive Her?" by the Pet Shop Boys</p><p>As the Idols prepare for the tour, Chris can't ignore his sleepless nights, or the cause of them, any longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to mrs viola swamp for the beta. Title taken from the Pet Shop Boys' song "Can You Forgive Her?".

_Gentle caresses, desperate gropes, fevered thrusts. Hands seemingly everywhere and yet it’s not enough. More, more, more. A steady mantra, spoken or unspoken, it doesn’t matter. The air is filled with whispered words, gasps, moans. Incoherent, but the meaning is obvious. More, more, more. Then the pinnacle and inevitable fall, the world shatters, the universe crumbles. And still the words echo - more, **more,**_ more.

~*~*~*~

Chris woke with a start, struggling to breathe. He swallowed hard and, remembering where he was, risked a glance to his left. The elderly woman - Ellen? Helen? - sitting beside him was watching him over the top of her glasses.

He smiled awkwardly and offered a little shrug as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Bad dream?" she asked sympathetically.

"Something like that," Chris answered.

To be honest, the dream was anything but bad. At least not in the sense she meant. It was confusing and frustrating, and, fuck, arousing as hell - there was no denying that. And wrong, Chris mentally reminded himself. Above all, it’s _wrong._

Of course telling himself that for the last three weeks had done little to ease either the intensity or frequency of the dreams. He hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep since they’d started. He’d brushed it off as stress, assured everyone he was fine, and felt like a complete and utter bastard as he promised Deanna that he’d see a doctor if it got any worse.

He stared out the plane window as he thought about how he was going to deal with this once he was actually back in L.A. Rehearsals were just the beginning, then the tour. And the whole time he’d be smothered by his extended Idol family. Trying to keep something from them was nearly impossible. Not because they were particularly nosy, well, with the exception of Kat, but because that sort of forced closeness brought with it an expectation, almost a right, to know everything the others were doing.

Ellen/Helen cleared her throat, and Chris looked back at her, embarrassed as he realized she’d been talking and he hadn’t heard a word she’d said.

"Sorry," he said, ducking his head.

She waved off his apologies and grinned, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "So," she began, leaning in to whisper to him conspiratorially, "Who’s this 'Ace' you kept mumbling about?"

Chris paled as he realized his secret might be harder to keep than he’d thought.

~*~*~*~

Chris was in the elevator alternately praying that it would get stuck and wishing that he were already in the room. He’d seen Elliott in the lobby and, even though both of them were trying not to be recognized, they’d caused a bit of a scene anyway with their enthusiastic reunion. Chris hadn’t even realized until that moment how much he’d missed everyone. Dread had been his most prominent emotion lately, but it was slowly ebbing away as the familiar world he’d grown so accustom to reemerged.

The elevator bell dinged and the doors slid open. Chris paused for a second, then hurried out before they could shut. He knew Ace was already here, had been for several hours according to Elliott. Chris tried to ignore the little voice in his head that told him, almost gleefully, that Ace could have stayed at home at least one more night, maybe two, before rehearsal started and they were all sequestered via Idol rules.

Chris stopped again outside the door. The key card cut into his palm as he squeezed it. He didn’t have to go in. Eventually he would, but he could delay it a little longer if he really wanted to. He opened the door before he could talk himself out of it.

"Hi, honey, I’m home," he called playfully, closing the door.

"Chris! Hey!" Ace bounded into the outer room, reminding him for all the world like an excited puppy. "Took you long enough."

Ace’s arms were around him, hugging him tightly, and for a second Chris just let himself enjoy the embrace, his arms finding a familiar and missed place around Ace’s neck. He breathed in deeply, momentarily thrown by the scent. Ace must have changed shampoo, he realized. Chris reluctantly let go and stepped back, putting some much needed distance between them.

 _Wrong_ , he reminded himself for the second time that day.

~*~*~*~

"So…" Ace began tentatively.

Chris looked up from the magazine he was absent-mindedly skimming through. "What?"

"Nothing. Just wondering how you’ve been," Ace shrugged.

Chris looked at him for a minute. "We’ve been through all that, remember? You, me, Elliott, Kellie, Paris, dinner? Catching up? I vaguely recall seeing you there."

The truth was Ace hadn’t left his side since he’d arrived. It would have been overwhelming if Chris hadn’t missed him so much, as it were, he couldn’t get enough of Ace’s laugh and gentle teasing. And that smile that could light up a room.

 _Don’t go there._

Ace sighed and shook his head. "How have you _really_ been?"

"What? Look, if you’re going somewhere with this, just tell me. I’m not in the mood to play twenty questions," Chris snapped, instantly regretting it as Ace’s face went blank.

"Fine! You look like shit. Have you slept at all since you left here?" Ace waited for him to answer. "Well?"

"Of course I’ve…Did Deanna call you? Did she?" Chris demanded.

Ace’s silence was as good as an answer.

"Damn it! I can’t believe she’d go behind my back and do that!"

"She’s worried about you! So am I! Look if something’s going on, if something’s wrong, I don’t know why you think you can’t tell either of us. Chris…"

"Drop it, Ace," he warned, his voice dangerously low.

"Let me help you. Please," Ace pleaded. "You’re my best friend. I don’t want to see you like this."

Chris stood up and strode to the door. He opened it and then turned back to look at Ace. "I don’t need any help. And if I’m really your best friend," he spit, trying not to choke on the words, "you’ll leave me alone."

~*~*~*~

An hour later Chris ruefully admitted that maybe he should have given some thought to where he was going before he stormed out. He didn’t want to explain to any of the others what had happened. Where would he even begin? And leaving the hotel wasn’t really an option. Which was how he found himself sitting in the stairwell, kicking himself over how stupid he’d behaved.

He was still more than a little pissed that Deanna and Ace had talked about him behind his back, although he hadn’t really given them any choice. It had been easy to avoid Ace, but more and more he’d shut Deanna out rather than deal with her prying questions. He wasn’t used to lying and he wasn’t good at it, and he’d been tempted so many times to just break down and tell her everything. But he couldn’t. No matter what else he did, he couldn’t do that. So he’d done the opposite, growing quieter and quieter by the day, afraid to open his mouth for fear that he’d slip up. Say something that he couldn’t back peddle his way out of.

So what choice did she really have? Of course she’d gone to the only person she thought might be able to get through to him if she couldn’t. He really shouldn’t have been so surprised that she’d talked to Ace.

Ace.

None of this was his fault, and Chris didn’t want to fight with him. That was the whole point, wasn’t it? The denial, the necessary lies, the half-truths - it was all to protect their friendship, right? Yet, despite all that, here he was screwing it up anyway. He wouldn’t blame Ace for a second if he never talked to him again.

He would though, because that’s just who Ace was. He might make him suffer a little first, he deserved it, but ultimately Ace would forgive him and some semblance of normalcy would return.

Chris sighed and got to his feet. It was getting late, and he had to go back sooner or later. Besides, he knew that, in spite of everything, Ace would be worried about him.

~*~*~*~

Chris didn’t miss the look of relief that crossed Ace’s face when he entered their room, but he also couldn’t ignore the stony glare that quickly took its place. His eyes remained fixed on the TV as he refused to acknowledge Chris’ presence.

"I’m sorry," Chris said quietly. "I know that’s not enough, and I know you want an explanation, but that’s all I’ve got right now." Ace finally looked at him and, beneath the concern and anger, Chris saw hurt in his eyes. Hurt _he_ had put there. "God, Ace, I’m so sorry."

"I know," he shrugged. "Let’s just try to get some sleep, okay? We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Or not, I don’t know."

Before Chris could say anything, which was probably good since he couldn’t seem to open his mouth without screwing everything up lately, Ace rolled over facing away from him, burying himself beneath the covers.

Chris quietly went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. After brushing his teeth and splashing water on his face, he stared at himself in the mirror. The dark circles under his eyes that he’d been attempting to ignore were more pronounced than ever. There was a hollowness to his cheeks that he didn’t recognize. A reflection of the weight he knew he must be losing, but hadn’t given much thought to. Wearily, he ran a hand over the stubble on his chin trying to remember how long it had been since he’d shaved. Ace was right, he did look like shit.

Ace was already asleep, or at least pretending to be, by the time Chris climbed into the other bed. He was tired, exhausted even, but he knew sleep wouldn’t come easily tonight. Especially not with Ace just a few feet away from him.

~*~*~*~

Like almost every night since the dreams had started, Chris was suddenly awake in the middle of the night, gasping for breath and covered with sweat. The difference this time was that Ace was sitting next to him, shaking him awake, looking more worried than Chris had ever seen him, even on a Results Show night.

Reason told Chris this was a very bad idea. That he needed to put as much space between them as possible. But somewhere between reaching out to push him away and grasping his shoulder, reason went out the proverbial window. His arms were around Ace, and he could feel Ace’s hand on the back of his head, could hear his whispered assurances that everything would be okay. He wanted to believe him, needed desperately to believe him, and that nagging voice that continually warned him that he was on a collision course with disaster gradually began to subside.

Chris still didn’t move, and as Ace shifted slightly, he held him tighter. "Don’t go."

"I’m not going anywhere," Ace answered, maneuvering them both back onto the bed despite Chris’ death grip. "I’m not going anywhere," he repeated.

Chris closed his eyes and willed his heartbeat to slow down. He focused on the warmth of Ace’s breath against his cheek, how his fingers barely grazed his arm, the way the sheets felt tangled around his legs, and slowly he drifted off to sleep. And for the first time in weeks, he actually slept.


	2. Chapter 2

Chris sighed happily, still half-asleep, nestling closer to the warm body beside him. He never wanted to get out of bed again. It had been so long since he’d slept this well. He just wanted to lay here with…The events from the night before came rushing back to him.

 _Oh, God._

Peeking out of one cautiously opened eye, he confirmed that, yep, that was Ace. Instead of being alarmed and jerking away, which was what he was pretty sure he should be doing, he remained still, just watching Ace sleep. Despite his constant insistence that this was wrong, it didn’t _feel_ wrong. In fact, it felt incredibly right.

Ace was sprawled on his back, one arm over his head, the other draped lazily across his stomach. It was a position Chris had seen him in countless times before, but somehow this time it was different. Just a few hours ago those arms had been around _him_ , holding him, comforting him.

His chest tightened as he realized that _this_ was what he’d been fighting so long. Probably even before the dreams started, he just hadn’t wanted to admit it. As he watched Ace the tension and confusion left him, at least momentarily. It was all so clear. This wasn’t lust or curiosity or some misguided affection. It would’ve been a lot easier if it was. But, no, this was love, plain and simple. He loved Ace. No, he was _in_ love with Ace. Big difference.

“I love Ace,” he said softly, trying it out, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Hmmm?” Ace mumbled in his sleep, yawning and tugging at the blanket.

Chris gently pulled the covers higher on him, and then slipped out of bed. He stood there for a second, smiling, before he finally tore himself away from Ace. After a quick stop by the bathroom, he padded into the other room where Elliott was already pouring over the room service menu trying to decide on breakfast.

“Hey, man,” Chris said, reaching into the mini fridge in the room for a bottle of orange juice.

“Hey. I thought this might be easier than trying to go somewhere,” Elliott said, waving the menu at him.

As Chris nodded, his stomach growled, and he realized he was starving. He leaned over the back of the couch to look at the menu with Elliott and was trying to narrow down the seemingly endless choices when he heard noises coming from the bedroom where Ace was. He and Elliott both glanced up as Ace appeared in the doorway, looking slightly panicked.

“Oh, um…there you are,” Ace mumbled. “I thought,” he paused to rub his eyes. “I don’t know what I thought. Good morning?” he tried at last, cheeks flushed.

Elliott looked over his shoulder at Chris, then back at Ace. He seemed to sense that something was up, even if he didn’t know what it was. “I think I’m just going to see if the girls are up yet,” he said making a tactful, if obvious, exit.

“You okay?” Chris asked once he was gone, slumping down in the spot Elliott had just left.

“Yeah,” Ace answered sitting beside him and forcing a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You?”

“I’m better than I’ve been in awhile,” he admitted, pushing all his worries and concerns to the back of his mind for the time being. He’d think about all that later, but for now he just needed to be near Ace. “Because of you.”

Ace looked at him sharply. Chris could practically see the gears turning in his head, see him trying to take in everything that had happened and make it make sense. He could tell that it wasn’t adding up for him because, in this case, two plus two surely couldn’t equal four.

Chris couldn’t take it any longer. So he finally did what he’d wanted to do since he woke up that morning. He took a deep breath and leaned in towards Ace. It wasn’t really a kiss at all, just a brushing of lips, but it was more than Chris had thought they would ever have. Ace remained perfectly still, and Chris drew back, suddenly feeling a lot less brave than he had a moment before.

“So, uh, you going to hit me or something?” Chris whispered hoarsely, only half joking.

Chris looked away when Ace didn’t say anything. How could he have been so stupid? He’d completely fucked this up. He’d been so caught up in the moment, still reeling from his earlier revelation, that he hadn’t thought any of this out. He tried to jerk his hand away as Ace’s covered it, but Ace held on tight, refusing to let him go.

“Look at me,” Ace urged softly. He didn’t continue until Chris turned his head slightly to glance at him. “I told you I wasn’t going anywhere. If you want to get rid of me, you’re going to have to do a hell of a lot worse than kiss me. Which was, um, nice, by the way,” Ace finished, turning a bright shade of crimson.

“Just nice, huh?” Chris said, rubbing the back of his neck, overcome with relief and trying not to smile.

Ace snorted and shook his head, grinning. When he looked back at Chris, though, he was serious. “Are you going to tell me what’s been going on now?”

Chris sighed. He might as well get it over with. He’d known while he was laying in bed with Ace this morning that he would tell him everything. It wasn’t a conversation he was particularly looking forward to, but he knew it had to be done if he was ever going to figure all of this out.

He told him about the sleepless nights. About the dreams, although omitting some of the more lurid details. He told him about the confusion and the guilt, the despair and denial. He even told him about the woman from the plane and muttering his name in his sleep. He only hesitated slightly before telling him how last night, with him, was the first real sleep he’d had in ages. By the time he finished talking, Ace looked as exhausted as he felt.

“Chris, I…”

Whatever Ace was going to say got cut off as the door swung open.

“Hey, fellas!” Taylor grinned, oblivious to the tense moment he’d interrupted. “El, here,” he said motioning behind him as Elliott followed him into the room, “said ya’ll decided on room service, but I figure we‘re going to be stuck in this hotel enough once rehearsal starts. We should get out while we can.”

“You just got here,” Ace pointed out as Taylor patted him on the back in greeting.

Taylor ignored his comment and, in a matter of minutes, had convinced them to go out for breakfast. He quickly shooed them back to their room to get dressed while Elliott called the girls to tell them about the change of plans.

~*~*~*~

It became all too clear why their plans hadn’t raised any objections from the Idol staff. All of them going out together was the best free publicity they could get. Inevitably, breakfast had turned into a gawking/ autograph signing/picture taking nightmare. Cursing camera phones as the worst invention ever, Chris had feigned a headache, and Ace had dutifully returned to the hotel with him.

Now, sitting on the floor, back against the bed, absently strumming his fingers over the strings on his guitar, Chris was starting to worry. Ace had barely said two words to him since they’d arrived at the hotel, and he was beginning to wonder if he’d completely misunderstood what had happened that morning. He’d _thought_ Ace was okay with the kiss, of what it could possibly mean, but he realized that Ace had never actually _said_ anything like that. All he’d said was that it was “nice.” What the hell did that mean?

Chris sighed and stood up, putting the guitar aside. He needed to talk to Ace _now_. His hand was already on the doorknob, when the door suddenly opened, banging into his face.

“Ow!” he yelled as his hands flew to his nose.

“Oh, fuck! Are you okay? Are you bleeding?” Ace cringed, trying to pull Chris’ hands away so he could look at the damage he’d done. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Chris winced, batting Ace’s hands away and gingerly rubbing his nose.

“Sit down,” Ace ordered, pushing him onto the bed. “I’m going to find an ice pack. Are you going to be okay alone?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “I hit my nose, not chopped off a limb. I’ll be fine,” he said, but didn’t object to the ice, his nose throbbing slightly beneath his hand.

“I’ll be right back.” True to his word Ace was back moments later carrying a plastic shower cap filled with ice. “I had to improvise,” he explained, holding it out to Chris.

Gratefully, Chris took it and laid back on the bed, holding it to his nose. Ace settled beside him, apologizing yet again. “It wasn’t your fault. It was an accident,” Chris shrugged. He moved the ice pack and wiggled his nose. “See? It’s already feeling better. What were you coming in here for anyway?”

“Oh…I just thought we needed to talk,” Ace answered. “But it can wait.”

“No, we do. It can’t wait.”

Ace opened his mouth, then closed it. He blew out a breath and tried again. He studied his hands as he spoke only glancing up at Chris briefly.

“You know there are a million reasons why this won’t work, right? Every instinct I have is screaming for me to stay away from you, that this can’t end well. I really want to listen to that because…you’re married, and I really respect Deanna. I don’t want to hurt her. And I don’t want to get hurt, which is exactly where this is going. I don’t even know what it is that you want from me, but…I can’t help thinking that I’d really like to find out.”

Ace’s words took a minute to sink in. Chris sat up, his pain forgotten, and touched Ace’s cheek. “We don’t have to figure everything out at once. But this,” he continued, motioning between them, “isn’t going away not matter how much we ignore it.”

“I know,” Ace said softly.

“So can we agree to take it day by day and see what happens? No rush, no commitment…I just know that I really like the way I feel when I’m with you, and I’m not ready to give that up,” Chris admitted. Ace’s smile made his heart do some sort of weird somersault in his chest.

“I think we can do that,” Ace nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

Chris lay awake, the weight of Ace’s arm across his chest a constant assurance of his presence. The past two nights had been uneventful, at least as far as dreams went, mostly thanks to the fact that Ace had officially abandoned his bed in favor of Chris’. Chris smiled to himself remembering his surprise when Ace had climbed into his bed instead of his own the night before rehearsals started.

"Neither one of us is going to get any sleep if you’re dreaming," Ace had simply shrugged, fluffing his pillow.

Even though outwardly not much had changed between them, especially around the others, the little things that were different seemed to be magnified to Chris. It was knowing that when Ace brushed against him in a crowded room he was doing it on purpose. It was going to sleep with the knowledge that Ace would still be there, curled up beside him, in the morning. It was the glances and touches that had existed since the moment they met that now carried much more importance.

He still marveled at the fact that he could touch Ace, _kiss_ him, whenever he wanted. What had seemed like such an impossibility had quickly become just another part of daily life. There was still a certain amount of shock when he caught Ace looking at him, and realized that Ace was _looking_ at him, but it was a nice shock. The kind that made his heart beat faster and a shiver travel up his spine. Chris found himself wondering from time to time if that look had always been in Ace’s eyes, and if it had, how had he missed it for so long? Of course, he reasoned, you see what you want to see, and he had tried desperately hard _not_ to see it. It might have been better for everyone if he’d managed to maintain that.

Chris knew he should feel guilty, and he did, sometimes so unexpectedly and violently that he felt as though he’d been punched in the stomach. At the same time, the thought of giving up Ace, before they’d really even started, was unbearable. Chris had always scoffed at people who’d claimed to love two people at the same time, but now he realized that, not only was it possible, it was also very easy.

Chris yawned. He needed to get some sleep. Rehearsal was exhausting and morning would be here before he knew it. Anyway, he wasn’t going to solve anything, thinking things to death at, he glanced at the clock, two in the morning.

For now, his plan was just to enjoy the time he’d been given with Ace, no matter how long that turned out to be.

~*~*~*~

"Ace, we’re going to be late!" Chris called, leaning into the bathroom where Ace was still fussing with his hair. He caught Ace’s eye in the mirror and smirked. "There are some benefits to this," he said rubbing his hand over his head.

"Shut up. My hair hasn’t done anything right since I started sleeping with you," Ace retorted. He froze with his hands in his hair, a faint blush creeping into his cheeks. "You know what I mean."

"Don’t blame your hair problems on me," Chris grinned, enjoying Ace’s discomfort.

"I guess I could always cut it," Ace shrugged, frowning at his reflection.

"Don’t you dare," Chris growled, threading his fingers through Ace’s hair to turn his head towards him. He captured Ace’s mouth, letting their lips glide against each other’s with practiced ease. Ace’s muffled moan reached his ears, and Chris drew back. "We’ve got to go."

"Tease," Ace muttered under his breath, smiling despite himself, as he followed Chris out of the bathroom.

~*~*~*~

Rehearsal was dragging by and it wasn’t even noon yet. For the last half hour, the group had been sitting around, waiting impatiently for the crew to fix some problem with the sound equipment, but it wasn’t looking good. This was their first day practicing on the stage, timing entrances and exits and working on spacing for the group numbers. They had made it through two whole songs before disaster struck.

Chris sat with Ace, feet propped up on the seats in front of them, in the dimly lit auditorium. Elliott had dozed off to their left, and there was a rousing game of Go Fish going on closer to the stage with a deck of cards Taylor had snagged from one of the crew members.

Chris glanced down at his hand as Ace began to absently draw a pattern across the back of it with his finger. Bolstered by the fact that nobody was paying them any attention, Chris turned his wrist until his palm faced up. Ace’s fingers skimmed across his flesh, tracing the lines on his hand, pausing briefly to caress a callous left by too much guitar playing. Ace pressed their palms together, letting his fingers slid between Chris’.

Chris shuddered and took a shaky breath. He leaned slightly to the side, towards Ace. "What exactly are you thinking?" he whispered, biting back a groan as Ace’s thumb stroked back and forth across his wrist.

Ace leaned in, too, so that there was barely an inch between them. "That I want to finish what we started this morning."

Chris swallowed hard. They’d been taking things slow, painfully slow, but there was no mistaking the lust in Ace’s voice or the implication of his words. "Yeah?"

"Uh-huh," Ace nodded, squeezing Chris’ hand lightly.

They sat there for awhile in a comfortable silence, hands still entwined. Chris felt an unexpected wave of contentment wash over him and realized that he was really and truly happy. Happier than he’d been in a long time. Happier than he had any right to be.

Finally, the stage manager announced that they had fixed the problem and asked them all to return to the stage. Chris shook Elliott awake, and the three of them joined the rest of the group.

Chris watched Ace on the other side of the stage and wondered how he was going to survive the rest of the afternoon. All he really wanted to do was go back to the hotel and take Ace up on his offer to finish what they’d started. Ace caught his eye and winked at him.

Yeah, it was going to be a long day.

~*~*~*~

Chris was positive this was the slowest traffic had moved in days. He idly wondered if there was an accident or car chase somewhere ahead of them holding things up. No one else in the van was complaining, though, so he didn’t either. Instead, he tried _not_ to focus on how close Ace was, on how he could feel the heat radiating off of him even though they weren’t touching.

Chris clutched his thigh and wished for the millionth time that the van would just _move_ already.

Rehearsal had been torture just like he’d known it would be. Ace had behaved himself for the rest of the day, but that hadn’t made it any easier to be around him. Not to mention the fact that Chris had flubbed a few lyrics and missed a couple of cues because he was so intent on watching him. When the others started giving him dirty looks, Chris had doubled his efforts to clear his mind and focus on the task at hand.

Luckily, the temporary fix the crew had found for the sound system failed and, rather than keep them all there waiting, they’d been sent home with the warning that they’d probably work late the next night.

Which was how they had ended up stuck in traffic, crawling towards their hotel.

Ace nudged him slightly with his elbow and mouthed "chill" when Chris glanced over at him. Chris smiled sheepishly and relaxed the grip on his leg.

After what felt like hours, they finally pulled up in front of the hotel. Chris practically bolted from the van, slowing down only long enough for Ace to catch up with him. Fending off suggestions that they all go out or grab some dinner, they made their way to the elevators, crowding inside with everyone else.

Feeling a little claustrophobic in the tight compartment, Chris closed his eyes, only to open them wide when he felt Ace’s hand press gently against the small of his back. The simple touch sent a spark of electricity through him, but nothing prepared him for the feeling as Ace’s hand drifted lower and his fingers flexed against the rough denim of Chris’ jeans.

The elevator finally stopped and the group clamored off. A few more insistences that they weren’t hungry and were just really, really tired, and they were back in their room.

The door had barely shut before Chris assailed him, fusing their mouths together. Ace had to bend slightly to accommodate their differences in height, and Chris guided him backwards to the bed they now shared. Ace tumbled onto the bed, pulling Chris down with him.

"I hate rehearsal," Chris murmured never breaking contact.

"Why?" Ace asking, smiling against him.

"Because we can’t do this," Chris sighed, deepening the kiss until they both had to break away gasping for air.

"Chris?"

"Yeah?"

"You’re kinda heavy," Ace explained, biting back a smile as Chris cursed and rolled off of him.

They both sat up in the middle of the bed, watching each other.

"So...we’re really going to do this?" Ace asked, suddenly looking away as his cheeks flushed.

Chris touched his face and made him look at him. "Unless...unless you’ve changed your mind," Chris said, hating the hesitation in his voice. "If you think this is too much, or whatever, just say so."

"Shut up," Ace grinned, leaning in to kiss him again. "I didn’t say anything like that." Still smiling, Ace reached forward and pulled off his shoes, dropping them to the floor. He waited for Chris to do the same, and then stretched out on the bed.

"There’s no rush," Ace said softly as Chris laid down beside him, undoubtedly noticing the flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. "We’ve got time to do this right."

Chris toyed with the hem of Ace’s t-shirt for a minute, his fingers brushing the skin beneath it. He bit his lip and let his hand ease further under the shirt, splaying across Ace’s abdomen. He moved his hand over Ace’s chest, feeling the pounding of his heart and the smooth skin of his scar.

"Help me," Chris murmured, tugging at the shirt. Ace propped himself up on one arm and quickly discarded the clothing.

Chris’ fingers brushed against the scar again now that he could see it. "That had to have hurt so much," he sighed as his lips trailed over it. "I never want you to hurt like that again." Chris stared into his eyes, wanting to erase all the doubt that he knew was still lingering below the surface. He wanted to be here, and he wanted _this_. He needed Ace to know that.

"I love you," Chris whispered roughly, planting a soft kiss on the corner of Ace’s mouth.

Ace opened his mouth to answer, but a noise from the other room distracted him. "Did you lock the door?" he asked anxiously, grasping Chris’ shoulder. Before Chris could answer, a knock echoed through the sudden silence of their room.

"Hey, Ace," Elliott called, opening the door, "Ryan’s...here."

Chris was sure his heart stopped as he slowly raised his head, looking past a shocked Elliott into the accusing eyes of Ace’s brother.


	4. Chapter 4

Chris stared at the floor in front of him, not really seeing it. A finger tapped restlessly against his knee, the other hand rubbing absently at his forehead. His head was pounding, a gentle ache that had steadily intensified. It was like a dam had burst and all the things he kept telling himself he’d think about later came rushing out at him. He barely had time to grasp onto one thought before it was replaced with another that disappeared just as quickly.

If only rehearsal hadn’t been canceled. If only Ryan hadn’t decided to come over. If only one of them had remember to _lock the fucking door_. If only...

Chris could play this game all day, creating different scenarios in his head, but it didn’t change anything. Ace and Ryan had been in the bedroom for nearly an hour. The muffled yelling had stopped, but the silence was deafening. Chris had no idea what was going on in there, but he knew from the expression on Ryan’s face that it couldn’t be good. Ryan was more than shocked or upset, he was _angry_. At Chris, at Ace, it really didn’t matter.

Ryan’s opinion, his approval, meant more to Ace than almost anyone else’s. And the way Ryan had glared at him told Chris, without a doubt, that this would never be okay. He hadn’t expected Ryan to be happy. Hell, he’d never expected Ryan to find out, but the sudden coldness, coming from someone he’d considered a friend, still stung. He couldn’t imagine what this was doing to Ace.

The sadness in Ace’s eyes as he’d quietly asked Chris to leave was forever burned in his memory. He’d told Ace he never wanted to hurt him, but here he was causing him pain, _again_. It seemed like that was all he’d done since they’d been back. Sure, the few days they’d had together had been wonderful, better than anything he could have imagined, but was it really worth it when they were hurting so many people?

Ace had warned him from the beginning that this was a bad idea. He’d ignored him, ignored his own gut instinct, grappling for just a day with Ace. A week, a month. However long they could make this work.

 _No!_

Chris refused to give up so easily. He didn’t even know what was going on with Ace and Ryan. Maybe Ace was in there right now trying to make his brother understand. Trying to explain to him how they hadn’t planned this, and how they never intended to hurt anyone. Make him see how much they meant to each other. He wished Ace had let him stay. He wanted to be there with him as he faced Ryan. It wasn’t fair for Ace to go through this alone. It wasn’t fair for Ace to go through this at _all_.

A cough from the other end of the couch startled him, and Chris looked up surprised to see Elliott. He’d completely forgotten he was still in the room, although he was grateful that his friend hadn’t abandoned him.

“You know,” Elliott began softly, not looking at Chris, “it’s not too late to try to convince me that wasn’t what it looked like.”

“Would you believe me?” Chris scoffed.

“No, probably not,” Elliott admitted, finally turning slightly to smile at Chris. “I don’t care, you know, for what it’s worth. Whatever you and Ace want to do is none of my business.”

“But you still think it’s a bad idea?” Chris asked, actually feeling relieved to be able to talk about this with someone besides Ace. He and Ace were both too close to the situation, had too much to lose to be objective.

“Well, I can’t say I think it’s a _good_ idea,” Elliott hesitated. “After all this, the whole Idol thing, are you really going to be able to just be friends? Is that even the plan? I mean, what’s going on?”

Chris closed his eyes and let his head fall against the back of the couch. “I don’t know.”

Those were the exact questions Chris had been trying to avoid thinking about. Realistically, he knew that this couldn’t go on forever. Once the tour ended, and they each went back to their own lives, it would be impossible to keep this up. He wouldn’t put Ace through that, grabbing stolen moments when they could, sneaking chances to see each other. Ace deserved so much better than that. It wasn’t fair to him. And _none_ of this was fair to Deanna.

“I don’t know,” he repeated, glancing at Elliott. “I’m being selfish. I never should have let this start.”

“How long has it been going on?” Elliott asked, and Chris admired his self-restraint for not asking the question sooner.

“Since we’ve been back,” Chris replied. “Well, I was having these dreams before then, but I don’t think that counts.”

“So only a few days? Really?” Elliott sounded surprised.

Chris glared at him. “What?”

“Nothing. I guess I just assumed that…well, that it had been going on longer than that. You two were practically attached at the hip during the show. And you were pretty upset when Ace went home.”

“He’s my best friend, of course I was upset,” Chris answered, weakly, knowing that Elliott was right. What he and Ace shared had always been above the normal bounds of friendship.

They both looked up as the door to the suite opened, and Taylor entered the room.

“Hey, I thought you were meeting us downstairs?” he asked Elliott. He glanced back and forth between them. “What’s wrong? Man, you look like your puppy just got run over, Chris.”

“It’s nothing,” Elliott said quickly, but Chris held up a hand to stop him.

“We all live together, E. Taylor’s going to find out sooner or later. I might as well tell him,” Chris sighed. He was too tired to keep up the lies tonight, and since things were probably going to get pretty tense around there, Taylor had a right to know why.

“Tell me what?” Taylor asked, crossing his arms and looking at them impatiently.

Chris hesitated, trying to find the right words. “Elliott and Ryan walked in on me and Ace,” he said finally.

“Huh?” Taylor’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “Doing what?”

Chris rubbed the back of his neck and looked at him with an embarrassed expression that could only mean one thing. Taylor’s eyes opened wide as understanding dawned on him.

“Oh. _Ohhhhhhh_! Well…damn.”

“Yeah, I think that sums it up,” Chris nodded.

“You and _Ace_? Man, I didn’t see _that_ one coming,” Taylor said, letting out a low whistle, shaking his head in shock.

“Chris, we’re not going to say anything about this, okay? To anyone, right?” Elliott prompted, glancing up at Taylor.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, not a word,” Taylor agreed, still looking a little stunned. “I still don’t…what exactly happened here tonight?”

Chris shrugged and let Elliott update Taylor. His thoughts returned to Ace and Ryan, and he wondered again what was going on behind that door. He didn’t have to wait long to find out. The door suddenly opened, and Ryan stormed out. He paused a second to glare at Chris again before leaving, not even acknowledging the other two men in the room.

“Something tells me he didn’t take this well,” Taylor said with raised eyebrows.

Chris didn’t move. He wanted to go to Ace, to see how he was doing, but part of him was scared to hear what he had to say. Finally, Elliott nudged him.

“Go on, man,” he said giving him a slight push. “We’ll be around if you need us.”

Chris took a deep breath, then slowly got up from the couch, making his way across the room. The door was ajar from Ryan’s exit, and Chris could see Ace sitting on the bed, holding his head in his hands before he even entered the room.

“Guess that didn’t go so well,” he said softly, closing the door behind him.

Ace shook his head, but didn’t look up at him. Chris watched him for a minute, taken aback by how…broken Ace looked. Chris’ fear and confusion quickly turned into anger at Ryan. No matter what Ace did, his brother should have been the one person to stand beside him regardless. Not leave him like _this_.

“Ace…”

“Sit down,” Ace interrupted.

Chris complied, sitting beside him on the edge of the bed.

“Ryan’s really upset with me, and you should know why,” Ace continued, still not looking at him. Ace was silent for a minute, and Chris waited patiently for him to go on. “Ryan knew that I…that I cared about you. A lot. He confronted me about it months ago.”

Chris turned his head sharply to look at him. Months ago?

“I denied it, of course. I told him he was fucking crazy, but he didn’t believe me. So I finally admitted that he was right. He made me promise that I would leave you alone. He said the…the last thing you needed was me following you around like a lovesick puppy messing things up for you and Deanna,” Ace’s voice broke, and Chris could tell he was on the verge of tears.

Chris laid a hand gently on Ace’s back, but Ace shrugged him off. “Please don’t,” Ace whispered.

“He wasn’t trying to be mean,” Ace began again, “He just wanted to protect me. He knew that I’d get hurt, and he didn’t want to see that happen. He never dreamed you might actually feel the same way.”

Chris remained silent, sensing that Ace wasn’t finished yet.

“He’s right, Chris. I can’t do this. I thought I could. I really wanted to, but I can’t. Because when it ends…when it ends…”Ace couldn’t finish. “I just can’t.”

“No,” Chris whispered, grabbing Ace’s arm as he stood up. “No! Everything was fine before Ryan came in here and…”

“Everything was not _fine_!” Ace shouted, jerking away from him. “Just because we ignore all the things we don’t want to think about, that doesn’t mean they go away! Damn it, Chris! We both knew this wouldn’t work! It can’t!”

Chris knew Ace was right. He’d practically been telling himself the same thing, but that didn’t mean that he was just going to walk away. They could do this.

“I’m not giving up on you,” Chris said softly, meeting Ace’s gaze evenly and holding it. He saw a whirlwind of emotions in Ace’s eyes - anger, frustration, confusion, and maybe, _maybe_ , just a little bit of hope. “I’m not giving up,” Chris repeated.

“It won’t work,” Ace reiterated, but without the force of his earlier protests.

“We’ll make it work.”


	5. Chapter 5

Chris had actually come to expect that he wasn’t going to sleep. Before Ace, the dreams had taken care of that, keeping him awake with their vivid images and taunts of what could never be. While he was with Ace, he’d found himself laying awake watching him sleep, amazed that he was really there and pinching himself to make sure that he wasn’t still dreaming. Now, in what could only be described as his post-Ace period, although Chris didn’t like to think of it as that, he was awake again, only this time very much alone and miserable. Which, he told himself, was ridiculous because Ace was less than two feet away.

It was well past midnight, but Chris knew without even looking over at him that Ace was still awake, too. The uneasy truce they’d established, or at least the front they put up for the rest of the group, didn’t extend into the bedroom. Here the forced smiles and too loud laughter evaporated into a tense silence, with no sign of either of them backing down anytime soon.

Last night they had both been so angry at each other, consumed with their own thoughts, that they’d barely noticed the quietness. Tonight, it was oppressive. Chris sighed. This was getting them nowhere.

“Ryan called today,” he said quietly.

“What?” Ace asked, too confused by the sudden comment to pretend to be asleep. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I just did. Besides, he hung up on me,” Chris answered.

It was actually kind of funny in a really screwed up sort of way. Ace had called Ryan repeatedly the night before, but Ryan hadn’t answered, which had led Ace to turn off his cell phone and tell Elliott that if Ryan called he didn’t want to talk to him. Now Ryan had finally called, and Chris wondered how long Ace’s resolve would last. Chris wanted to talk to Ryan. Okay, he wanted to _yell_ at Ryan, but he couldn’t keep him on the line long enough to do that. He also wanted to talk to Ace, but without fail, Ace shut him out every time he tried.

“I’m sorry,” Ace said softly.

“Huh? For what?” Chris asked, half-sitting to look at Ace even though he could barely make him out in the dark.

“He’s mad at me. He shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”

“I think he’s plenty mad at me,” Chris snorted derisively, flopping back onto the mattress. “I can understand where he’s coming from,” Chris continued after a minute. “He doesn’t want you to get hurt. We have that much in common.”

“Chris…” Ace cautioned.

Chris knew if he was going to say anything, he had to do it now before Ace completely stopped listening to him. “Does this mean so little to you that you can just end it, just like that?”

“Does Deanna mean so little to you that you can have this conversation and not give her a second thought?” Ace retorted angrily.

The words stung so much that Ace might as well have slapped him. “You know it’s not like that,” Chris said through clenched teeth. “I love my family, but…”

The sudden brightness in the room blinded him as Ace turned on the bedside lamp.

“There is no ‘but’. Deanna and the kids, they’re your _world_ , and I’m not letting you risk that for me. I’m not worth it,” Ace said, giving Chris his first real glimpse at the way his mind was working.

“And I have absolutely no say in that?” Chris replied indignantly, sitting up to stare at Ace.

“Listen to yourself! I will not be the person that breaks up your marriage. You mean too much to me for me to let that happen. Maybe it just took Ryan to remind me how much damage I was causing,” Ace admitted.

“What if I said I was going to tell Deanna about all of this, regardless of what happens between us?” Chris demanded, not sure he could really do that, but needing to prove to Ace that this wasn’t some passing whim.

“I’d say you were an _idiot_ , and I’d beg you not to do it,” Ace said, grabbing his pillow and standing up.

“Where are you going?” Chris called as he made his way to the door.

“I’m going to sleep on the couch. I can’t do this anymore tonight.”

~*~*~*~

Chris and Ace tried to keep their animosity to a minimum, but it wasn’t easy to keep things from the other Idols. Their haggard appearances, the sudden distance between them, and the tension that followed them around like a black rain cloud only managed to convince their friends that something was wrong. That morning at breakfast, Ace got there early, snagging a seat between Paris and Taylor, leaving Chris no choice but to take the empty chair beside Elliott. The fact that they weren’t sitting together raised a few eyebrows, but only Kat was bold enough to say anything, not realizing how accurate she was.

“What’s going on, guys?” she grinned playfully, obviously trying to ease the tension, but failing miserably, “Did you two have a little lover’s spat?”

Ace choked on his orange juice, gasping for air as Taylor thumped him on the back. Chris glared at his eggs, refusing to acknowledge the statement or any of the commotion it had caused. When he finally looked up, Kat was glancing back and forth between him and Ace, her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open a little.

“Oh, my God. You’re not…”

“Of course not,” Chris said angrily, pushing his chair back with such force that the whole table shook. Leaving his food untouched and the group staring after him in surprise, he slammed the door to the private dining room open and went back upstairs.

He was pacing around the room, still seething with anger, but feeling bad about the way he’d treated Kat, when Ace quietly opened the door. Ace watched him cover the same patch of carpet several times before he said anything.

“You should apologize to Kat. She’s upset.”

Chris stopped where he was and slowly turned around to look at Ace. He was trying really hard to keep his temper in check, but the last few days were about to push him over the edge. His anger at Ace, at Ryan, at _himself_ threatened to explode at any moment.

“It seems like all I’ve been doing lately is apologizing. What do you want me to say? I’m sorry for snapping at Kat? I’m sorry that I’ve put Taylor and Elliott in a really awkward position? I’m sorry that you and Ryan are barely speaking? I’m sorry that I’ve turned out to be such a lousy husband?” Chris continued, his voice steadily rising in pitch and volume. “Where does it stop? I can apologize until I’m blue in the face, and it’s not going to fix a damn thing because I won’t apologize for the one thing you _really_ want me to!”

“And what would that be?” Ace questioned skeptically, crossing his arms and staring at him.

“You’re mad at me because I want this, and I actually had the guts to do something about it. I’m not sorry for that, Ace. If you’re waiting for me to be…”

“Are you actually suggesting that because I don’t want to get involved with a married man that I’m a _coward_?” Ace asked incredulously.

Chris took a deep breath and let it out, counting to ten. If he had any chance of getting through to Ace, he had to stay calm. “That’s not what I meant. Look, I appreciate your concern, and I know that you don’t want to push me into something you think I’ll regret, but I fully understand what I’m doing. I know that this is probably going to blow up in my face, but if I don’t take this chance, if I just let you go, _that_ I will regret for the rest of my life.”

Chris could see Ace’s resolve start to falter. It wasn’t much, just a flicker in his eyes, but Chris knew him well enough to know that his words had impacted him. “I can’t keep fighting with you,” Chris said, dropping onto the sofa.

“I don’t want to fight with you, either,” Ace said, moving to sit down beside him. “I don’t, Chris, but…”

“Do you trust me?” Chris asked suddenly.

“You know I do,” Ace replied without hesitation, giving him a half-smile.

“Then you’ve got to trust that I know what I’m doing. I’m not going into this blindly, and I don’t need you to save me from myself. Cut out this self-sacrificing bullshit and tell me what you want,” Chris demanded.

Ace was silent for, what seemed to Chris, an excruciatingly long time. Then suddenly Chris was pinned to the sofa, the sweet taste of orange juice on his lips and Ace’s warm fingers resting on the back of his neck. Chris smiled against him, knowing that he’d at least won this battle, if not the war. He wrapped an arm around Ace, pulling him even closer so that he was practically on top of him, his other hand getting lost in Ace’s curls as he drew the kiss out.

“Not again,” came a muttered voice from the doorway. Chris groaned and looked over to see Elliott with his hands over his face, looking absolutely mortified that he’d walked in on them for a second time. “I knew I should have made Taylor come and check on you two.”

Ace buried his head against Chris’ shoulder, embarrassed. Chris bit back a laugh and climbed off the couch, tugging Ace up with him. “Sorry, man,” Chris grinned sheepishly, scratching his neck.

“Yeah, sorry,” Ace echoed.

“I didn’t need to see that once, let alone twice,” Elliott complained, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “But if it means you guys aren’t fighting anymore, I guess it was worth it. See you downstairs?”

“Yeah, we’ll be right down,” Ace nodded, waiting until he had left before turning to look at Chris. “I think we may have scarred him for life.”

“Maybe, but he’ll get over it,” Chris laughed. He touched Ace’s shoulder, his thumb running over his collar bone as he spoke. “Are we okay?”

“I’m willing to see what happens, alright?” Ace said, smiling as Chris engulfed him in a hug.

Chris took a second to fully appreciate the feel of Ace in his arms again, the way Ace’s hands pressed against his back, holding him close. “That’s all I’m asking for,” Chris assured him, pressing one final kiss against his lips before letting go.

Following Ace from the room, Chris silently promised himself that, no matter what happened, he was going to make the most of this second chance he’d been given with Ace.


	6. Chapter 6

Chris had settled near the front of the room with Elliott and Bucky to watch Ace’s rehearsal. Up on stage, Ace nodded and laughed at something the drummer said, then took a deep breath as the opening strains of "Father Figure" filled the air. As he launched into the first verse, Ace caught his eye and winked. Chris grinned back at him and then glanced over at Elliott, who looked extremely amused.

"What?"

"You’ve got it bad," Elliott whispered covering his mouth with his hand, trying not to laugh. "I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before. You might as well have 'I wanna bang Ace' tattooed on your forehead."

"Elliott!" Chris hissed, frantically looking around to make sure no one had overheard him. Bucky was nodding along to the music, not paying them any attention, and everyone else was a safe distance away. Chris relaxed a little and glared at his friend. "You can’t go around saying stuff like that!"

"I’m sorry, man. Not another word," Elliott said apologetically. "But you do," he added, resting his head on the seat in front of him as he succumbed to the laughter.

Chris rolled his eyes, wanting to be annoyed with Elliott, but finding it difficult since he’d been so great about everything. The ribbing was actually kind of nice in a way. Elliott wouldn’t joke about it if he weren’t okay with him and Ace being…well, him and Ace. That didn’t mean he wanted to stick around and hear more of it, though.

"I’ll be backstage," Chris said, knowing Elliott would tell Ace when he finished.

Grabbing his guitar on the way, Chris found a deserted hallway in the back. Stepping over a pile of cables, he sat down on the floor, absently tuning the guitar as he listened to Ace’s muted performance. He fingered the strings, trying to focus on the song idea that was taking shape in his head. He tried a chord, shook his head, and started over in a different key. He continued, humming softly as the music began to take shape.

Caught up in the music, Chris completely lost track of time. When a shadow blocked the meager light in the hall, he looked up, surprised to see Ace standing over him. "Finished already?"

"Yeah. That’s not from the show. What are you working on?" Ace grinned, sitting down beside him on the floor, closer than necessary, but not close enough to raise any questions if anyone found them. "It sounds nice."

Chris shrugged. "It’s nothing, really. Just an idea I had."

"Yeah? Can I hear it?" Ace asked, nudging him with his knee when he hesitated. "It’s just me. Come on. I won’t tell anyone the big, bad rock star is writing sappy love songs," Ace teased, his eyes twinkling as he watched Chris.

"It‘s not a...okay, yeah, it is," Chris admitted, glancing at him. He suddenly felt nervous. He’d performed in front of thousands, millions, of people before, but the thought of playing these few broken chords to Ace made his heart race in a way that that never had.

"Chrisssss," Ace prodded, poking him in the ribs.

"Okay, okay," Chris said. His fingers resting assuredly on the strings, he began to play. Looking down at the instrument so he could avoid Ace’s eyes, he softly sang the words that had been repeating over and over in his head all morning.

_"And if all the world was perfect I would only ever want to see your scars..."_

When Chris risked a glance at him, Ace was smiling in that way that made his stomach tighten and his heart feel like it had skipped a beat. "That’s all I’ve got so far," Chris said faintly, propping the guitar against the wall. 

"Chris, that was..." Ace looked around to make sure they were still alone. "I love it," he whispered, leaning against him and capturing his mouth. Chris took advantage of Ace’s parted lips, deepening the kiss as he felt Ace’s fingers run over his stomach. Breaking away, Chris let out a strangled gasp as Ace’s hand continued to move lower... _lower_...His head thudded against the wall as Ace touched him through the rough denim. He ignored the pain because, oh God, Ace...His hips rose instinctively, trying to increase the contact. 

His mind screamed that they were going to get caught, but his body seemed to be totally ignoring the warnings. Grasping Ace’s shoulder, he moaned against his mouth. "Wait, wait," he murmured, kissing Ace feverishly before continuing. "Wait, we can’t do this. Not here," he insisted, his lips never leaving Ace’s as he tried to hold on to him and push him away at the same time.

Ace fell back against the wall in frustration, struggling to gain control of his breathing. Chris slid a couple of inches away, his hand still on Ace‘s arm, trying to put some distance between them but not able to completely let go. "This is crazy. We’ve got to be more careful," Chris said softly.

"Yeah," Ace nodded in agreement.

Shakily, Chris climbed to his feet and held down his hand to Ace. "Ready to go?"

"Not really, but I don’t have a choice," Ace sighed, grasping his hand and pulling himself up. He held onto Chris’ hand a little longer than he needed to, brushing their lips together once more. "I really did like the song. I wasn’t just using it as an excuse to make out with you," Ace smiled.

"You never need an excuse," Chris grinned, nudging him with his shoulder. "You really think it’s good?"

"Absolutely."

~*~*~*~

Chris sat on the edge of the bed, his leg bouncy nervously, as he waited for Ace to come back to their room. He’d left him by the elevators talking to Paris with the assurance that he’d "be right there." That had to have been twenty minutes ago. Chris glanced at the glowing red numbers on the clock. Okay, less than five, but it _felt_ like twenty.

He stood up, unable to sit still any longer, his fingers anxiously tapping against his thighs as he paced around the room. Chris turned when the door opened and Ace slipped inside.

"Sorry, I...Are you okay?" Ace asked, eyeing him with concern.

"I’m fine," Chris nodded. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth and worried with it a second as he convinced himself to go ahead. "Can I have your phone?"

"What?" Ace questioned, clearly confused.

"Your phone," Chris repeated slowly. "Can I have it?"

"Uh, sure. Here," Ace said, digging it out of his pocket and handing it to him. He crossed his arms and watched with curiosity as Chris turned it off, then did the same with his and dropped them both on the nightstand.

"No distractions," Chris explained, crossing the room and locking the door. "No interruptions." He flipped off the overhead lights, leaving the room in the soft glow of the bedside lamps. "Just us," he said, wrapping his arms around Ace. He continued, running his hands up and down Ace’s back as he spoke, "We don’t have anywhere we have to be. No one’s going to come looking for us. We’re alone."

"Are you trying to seduce me?" Ace grinned, his hands tightening a little on Chris’ shoulders.

"Is it working?" Chris asked, quirking an eyebrow. A shudder ran through him as he looked into Ace’s eyes. The desire he saw shining there gave him all the answers he needed.

"What do you think?" Ace whispered, his lips barely brushing Chris’. "Fuck," he swore suddenly, pulling back slightly.

"What’s wrong?" Chris questioned, taken completely off-guard by Ace’s outburst.

"Chris, I want this. More than _anything_ ," he added emphatically. "But we’re not ready."

Chris groaned in frustration. "I feel pretty ready, Ace."

"No, I meant...We’re not prepared. We don’t have..." Ace had turned a bright shade of red by now, but he persisted. "We don’t have condoms or...well, it doesn’t matter because we don’t."

Chris bit back a smile at how easily Ace flushed and whispered, "Check the drawer," against his ear. Ace looked at him in surprise, but didn’t make any attempt to move. "Go on," Chris insisted, giving him a light push towards the nightstand.

Ace opened the drawer and pulled out a plastic bag. Still clutching the bag in one hand, he feel back on the bed laughing. "Planning ahead. I like it," he grinned. "You’re just full of surprises lately, aren’t you?"

"You weren’t speaking to me. I had to occupy my time somehow," Chris teased, his eyes gleaming as he straddled Ace on the bed. "Aren’t you glad I did?"

"Very," Ace nodded, grabbing a handful of Chris’ shirt and pulling him down to press their lips together. Chris sat up long enough to tug the shirt over his head and toss it to the other side of the room, then helped rid Ace of his.

"These. Off. Now," Ace ordered monosyllabically as he fumbled with the zipper on Chris’ jeans. Soon the rest of their clothes were scattered haphazardly across the room.

Chris looked at Ace, relieved. He’d worried that being this close to Ace, this intimate, would be weird or strange. After all, he was his best friend and a guy, not to mention about a million other reasons why it should be awkward, but all it felt was undeniably right. Instead of nervousness, all he felt was anticipation.

Ace reached out hesitantly, his hand moving lightly up Chris’ arm and down his chest, his eyes following the pattern his fingers traced. Ace paused over his heart, pressing gently to feel the steady beat beneath. Ace touched his neck, his thumb brushing ever so slightly over Chris’ lower lip. Chris nipped at it mischievously, the tip of his tongue leaving a wet trail along the pad of his finger.

"I love you, too" Ace whispered, at last able to say what he’d wanted to for so long.

Chris wondered why people got so caught up in hearing those "three little words." It was the fourth one that really meant something. The fourth one that held promise and the ability to make everything okay. Without that, you didn’t have anything.

Chris fused their mouths together, pulling Ace down onto the mattress with him. Chris knew what he wanted, what he _needed_ , but he wasn’t sure how to voice it to Ace. He knew what it had been like in his dreams, and all he wanted was a chance to make that a reality. Chris could also admit, at least to himself, that he was scared. Scared that he’d hurt Ace, scared that he wouldn’t know what to do. If giving up control could ease some of those fears, he was more than willing to do that. The thought of completely submitting to someone like that, of being that vulnerable, would normally freak him out, but not with Ace. Giving himself to Ace in that way seemed like the most natural thing in the world. Chris rolled onto his stomach, looking at Ace over his shoulder. He saw realization dawn on Ace’s face as he leaned close, a hand resting on Chris’ back.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," Chris nodded, letting out a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding.

"Okay. Just...just relax," Ace said softly, pressing a kiss against his shoulder.

Chris took a deep breath. He tried to focus on the soothing circles Ace was rubbing across his back, the way his legs pressed against Ace’s, the coolness of the sheets beneath him. Ace talked in quiet, reassuring tones, lulling him into calmness. The sudden cold made him jerk, but Ace’s hand on his hip and his whispered apologies eased some of the tension from his body. Chris closed his eyes, burying his face against the pillow, wincing at what he knew was just a hint of the pain to come.

"Ready?" Ace asked, his fingers trailing up and down Chris’ back.

Not trusting his voice, Chris nodded, squeezing his eyes shut even tighter. Despite the care Ace took, the pain was overwhelming. He let out a ragged breath, willing his body to relax. The initial ache began to subside as he grew accustomed to the unfamiliar intrusion. Ace remained perfectly still, his hand covering Chris’ hand and clasping it firmly.

Ace shifted slightly, and Chris knew at once that all the pain was worth it. Every fiber in his body felt as if it were on fire as Ace began to move slowly above him. This was so much better than anything he’d dreamed, anything he’d imagined laying awake at night. They fell into an easy rhythm and all too soon Chris felt the peak approaching. He fought it as long as he could, never wanting this to end. Finally, he came with a guttural cry, muffled by the pillow, feeling happily satisfied when Ace collapsed on top of him moments later, sweaty and breathing hard.

"That was..." Ace murmured, his head resting against Chris’ shoulder. "That was..."

"Amazing," Chris finished, pulling Ace’s hand to his lips and placing a kiss on his knuckles. "Absolutely amazing."

~*~*~*~

Chris groaned groggily, blinking his eyes open against the unyielding sunlight streaming into the room. Ace was stretched out beside him, chin propped in his hand, watching him intently. Chris couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across his face. Despite the physical aspect of it, which had been _fantastic_ , Chris knew last night was about more than sex. Things had changed. Lines had been crossed and barriers had been torn away. Even if they wanted to, they couldn’t go back to the way things were before. He realized that should terrify him, but for some reason it didn’t.

"Good morning," Ace smiled. "I thought you were going to sleep all day."

"Well, we were up kinda late," Chris yawned, the sheet pooling around his waist as he sat up. He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to work out some of the kinks in his muscles.

"I didn’t hear you complaining last night," Ace retorted, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"I’m not complaining now."

Ace grinned. "Okay...shower and breakfast? Or maybe lunch," he amended, glancing at the clock. "Food anyway. I’m starving."

"Sounds good," Chris said, his eyes unabashedly following Ace as he climbed off the bed.

"Going to join me?" Ace asked, smirking over his shoulder.

"Hell yes," Chris answered. "Just give me a sec," he said reaching for his phone. As much as he didn’t want to deal with anything right now, he needed to check his messages. Images of Ace and the shower filling his mind, he half-listened to his voice mail, anxious to join him, until he got to one from Deanna. He muttered under his breath when he heard it.

"Looks like I definitely won’t be cutting my hair," Ace called, leaning out of the bathroom door, holding his hair back to reveal an obvious mark on the side of his neck. He frowned at Chris’ expression. "What’s wrong?"

Chris couldn’t quite meet his eyes. "Deanna’s coming to visit before the tour starts. She’ll be here tomorrow afternoon."


	7. Chapter 7

Chris stretched out on the couch, an arm over his eyes, as he contemplated what, exactly, he was going to do. He wished Ace were here so he could talk to him, but he’d decided to tag along on Paris and Lisa’s shopping trip. More to get away from him than out of any real need for a new pair of sunglasses like he’d claimed, Chris thought. He’d considered calling Deanna and asking her not to come, but he couldn’t think of a good excuse. He was pretty sure that “it’ll cut into the time Ace and I have to screw around” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

“You know, for someone who got laid last night, you’re in a really bad mood.”

Chris moved his arm enough to squint up at Elliott. “I’m not going to ask how you know that.” He sighed and sat up, making room for Elliott on the sofa.

“So what’s going on?” Elliott asked. “You’re not regretting this thing with Ace, are you?”

“No, not at all,” Chris answered, shaking his head slightly. “It would be a lot easier if I were. Are you sure you want to hear all of this, E?” Elliott just nodded and waited patiently for Chris to continue. “Deanna’s coming. Tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Elliott said simply. “I guess that does complicate things.”

“You think? I don’t know what to do, man. I don’t like lying to Deanna, and I know this is hurting Ace. He won’t tell me that. He won’t tell me anything except what he thinks I want to hear. It would be easier if he’d just get mad or upset, not be so understanding all the time,” Chris complained.

“It’s not an easy situation,” Elliott shrugged.

“I want to tell her,” Chris said softly. “I mean, I don’t _want_ to tell her, but I think it’s the right thing to do. It’s not fair to either of them to keep dragging this out, putting off the inevitable. She’s going to find out. Even if I don’t tell her, she’ll find out some other way, and I really don’t want that to happen.”

“Sounds like you’ve made up your mind,” Elliott commented, looking at Chris with a mixture of sympathy and concern.

“I have, I guess. I just don’t know what’s going to happen after that. I owe Deanna _everything_. I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for her. She’s been behind me every step of the way, and _this_ is how I repay her?” Chris held his head in his hands. “But she deserves the truth.”

“What do you want?” Elliott asked, turning to face Chris. “Long term, I mean. Do you see you and Ace having some sort of future? Have you two talked about that?”

“Of course we haven’t,” Chris scoffed. “We’re all about avoidance if you haven’t figured that out yet. Don’t think about the problem, and it’ll go away. I know that giving him up, pretending that this never happened, it’s not an option anymore,” Chris let out a slow breath. “I don’t know what that means for everything else, but I want Ace for as long as he’ll have me.”

Elliott looked surprised by the conviction in Chris’ voice. “Wow, I guess I didn’t realize things had gotten so serious. Are you saying that you’d…?”

“I love him,” Chris interrupted. Despite his confusion, he was certain about that. “I don’t want you to think that I’m the kind of guy who cheats on his wife just because the opportunity is there. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never even wanted to, but…”

“I don’t think that,” Elliott said sincerely. “You’re a good guy, Chris.”

“I don’t feel like it. I feel like a hypocrite. I’m always talking about how important family is, and how much I love my wife, and then…” Chris stared at the ceiling. He’d hoped talking to someone would make him feel better, but so far he only felt worse.

“None of that’s changed,” Elliott said hesitantly. “You still believe all that. You’ve just…expanded it to include Ace. It’s not like you’re having wild orgies with groupies every night…You’re not, are you?”

Chris cracked a smile in spite of himself. “No, definitely not.”

“Didn’t think so. The walls are pretty thin, so I would have known,” Elliott grinned as Chris turned red, the realization of what he was saying dawning on him. “Don’t worry, man, that’s what headphones are for.”

~*~*~*~

Ace had been in the bathroom, presumably brushing his teeth, for the last half hour. Chris knew he was just avoiding him, hoping he’d go to sleep before he came out. Chris was a little annoyed that Ace was being so stubborn and more than prepared to wait up all night if he had to. He flopped back against his pillows, glaring in the direction of the bathroom.

The door finally opened, and Ace flipped the light off. He paused halfway across the room, hesitating slightly before climbing into his own bed. He ignored Chris’ raised eyebrows and questioning look, fluffing his pillows, then reaching up to turn off the lamp.

“Ace?” Chris began cautiously, “What are you doing?”

“Going to bed,” Ace answered stiffly.

“I can see that,” Chris nodded, frowning. “What I don’t know is why you’re going to bed over _there_.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Ace shrugged, glancing at Chris from the corner of his eye before quickly turning away.

“Oh, fuck this,” Chris sighed with frustration, rolling out of bed. He nudged Ace, then shoved him a little harder, until he moved over to make room. “Nothing’s changed, Ace. Are you just going to shut me out every time things get difficult? I’m willing to fight for this, but if you’re not, tell me now.”

“I don’t want to make this harder for you. I don’t won’t you to feel like you owe me anything,” Ace said, looking down at his hands as he spoke. “I don’t want to _expect_ anything from you.”

“I want you to, Ace. I want you to expect things of me and believe that I’ll see them through. I’m telling Deanna about us tomorrow,” Chris held up his hand as Ace started to interrupt. “I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it because it’s right and because I need to do it to make peace with myself.”

“And what then?” Ace asked. His voice was quiet, but Chris didn’t miss the hint of fear in it. He wanted to reassure Ace and tell him everything would be alright, but he knew better than to make promises he couldn’t keep.

“I don’t know,” Chris answered honestly. “Whatever happens, happens, and I’ll deal with it when it does.”

“We’ll deal with it,” Ace whispered, a fierce determination flashing in his eyes before he rested his head against Chris’ shoulder, squeezing his hand.

The quiet confidence in his words and the simple touch were comforting. Chris wrapped an arm around him, holding him close. “We’ll deal with it,” he repeated, pressing a kiss to the top of Ace’s head.

~*~*~*~

Chris and Ace lay curled up on the bed, trying to ignore how fast time was slipping away. Elliott had stopped by a little earlier to tell them that he and Taylor were going out for awhile. Chris was grateful that they were making themselves scarce, although they probably didn’t want to be there any more than he wanted them to be. Ace absently toyed with the chain around Chris’ neck, smiling as he glanced up and met his eyes. “Come here,” Chris whispered, brushing the hair back from Ace’s face as he leaned in to press their lips together. “It’s getting late,” Chris said, his voice tinged with regret, as he looked at the clock.

Ace sat up, untangling himself from Chris. Sighing, he stood up and straightened his clothes. “I should probably get going,” he said, pulling his favorite beanie down over his hair and looking around for his shoes. “I need to go before Ryan changes his mind about seeing me.”

Chris knew Ace was relieved that Ryan had agreed to meet with him today. He didn’t think Ryan was going to change his mind about them, but at least it was something. Chris followed him into the other room, wishing he could just take Ace back into the bedroom, lock the door, and ignore all of this.

“What time is Deanna supposed to get here?” Ace asked, making sure he had the room key in his pocket.

“She’s going to call me from the airport,” Chris said, looking at the door suddenly as a knock echoed through the room. He crossed the room quickly and checked the peephole. “Well, she was supposed to.”

“It’s not too late to change your mind,” Ace said softly, coming up behind him and putting his hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, it is,” Chris answered. He opened the door, not sure what he should be feeling right now. To his surprise, he was genuinely happy to see her. “Hey,” he grinned. “Come on in.”

“Hi,” Deanna smiled, hugging him quickly and pecking him on the lips before she noticed Ace hidden behind him. “Hey, Ace,” she said, wrapping him in a tight hug. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You, too,” he answered, pulling away. “I’m just gonna go. I’ll see you later,” he said reaching for the still open door.

“Oh, don’t leave on my account,” Deanna said. “Stay.”

“Thanks, but I’m meeting Ryan. I’m already running late,” Ace said forcing a smile. “It was really good to see you, though. Um, bye.”

Chris watched as the door closed behind him, trying to fight the sudden urge to run after him. “Um, just a sec, okay? I forgot to tell Ace something. It’ll just take a minute,” Chris said, not waiting to hear Deanna’s reply. Chris caught up with him in front of the elevators.

“What are you doing?” Ace demanded, startled when Chris grabbed his arm.

“I just…I hope everything goes okay with Ryan. Come back soon, alright?” Chris asked, trying to smile at him.

Ace nodded, moving to embrace him, and then seemed to think better of it. Instead, he squeezed his arm, gripping it so tightly that Chris could still feel the pressure of his fingers long after he let go. Chris hesitated just a second, then reached up and pulled the beanie off of Ace‘s head and stuffed it in his back pocket. “For good luck,” Chris explained. “I’m going to need it.”

“Keep it,” Ace smiled as the elevator opened. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.” Chris watched him disappear as the doors slid closed. He took a deep breath and slowly made his way back to the room where Deanna was waiting.

“Everything okay?” Deanna asked, looking up at him from the couch.

“Huh? Oh, yeah. It’s nothing important. So how was your flight? Are you tired? Hungry? We can go out if you want. There’s this really great place down the street that we…Or not, really it’s up to you,” Chris realized he was rambling and promptly shut up.

Deanna looked amused as she answered. “I’m fine. I think I’d prefer to just stay in and catch up, if that’s alright?”

“That’s cool,” Chris nodded. “How are the kids?”

“They really wanted to come, but I told them it was just a quick trip, and they’d get to see you soon. They miss you,” she smiled.

“I miss them, too,” Chris said sitting down beside her on the couch. The silence was awkward, and Chris fidgeted as he searched for something to say. He didn’t want to ambush her with this so quickly, but the longer he waited, the longer she talked about home, the more difficult it was going to be to tell her about Ace.

“What is it, Chris?” she asked, crossing her arms and looking at him intently. “Something’s on your mind. Just tell me.”

“Are you sure you’re not hungry? Cause I could really go for something to eat right now,” Chris said even though the thought of putting food in his mouth made his stomach turn. “We could order in if you don’t want to go out. The room service here is really good, or…”

“Chris!” she said exasperatedly. “Whatever it is, just spit it out!”

“I can’t. Because…because you’re not going to want to hear this,” he stood up, pacing around the room. He pulled the beanie from his pocket, clutching it to remind himself of why he had to do this. “Things have been different since I’ve been back.”

“How do you mean?” she asked, turning on the couch to follow his movement.

“I’ve been lying to you, and I don’t want to do that anymore. You don’t deserve that. You’re going to hate me, and I regret that because I truly love you, but I can’t change anything that I’ve done. I’m not sure I would even if I could,” Chris admitted, blinking back the unexpected tears that stung his eyes.

Deanna stood up and crossed the room to where he was standing. Gently, she placed a hand on his arm, her fingers unwittingly covering the same spot that Ace’s had only moments earlier. “I could never hate you,” she whispered. “Never.” Her trust and faith in him, which had gotten him through tough times in the past, now cut deep. He hadn’t done anything to earn the confidence she had in him. Chris turned away from her, determined to continue and prove to her how wrong she was about him.

“I’ve been cheating on you,” he said flatly. Chris waited for the words to sink in and all hell to break loose. He waited for the yelling and the tears and the random objects flying at his head. But it never came. Instead, when he finally looked at her, Deanna seemed strangely calm. For a second, Chris thought she might not have heard him. “I said…”

“I know,” Deanna interrupted. “I know you are.”

Chris blinked, certain that he hadn’t heard her right. “What?”

“I know about you and Ace.”


	8. Chapter 8

Chris felt like his entire world had turned upside down as he gripped the back of the couch, leaning into it for support. He shook his head slowly, trying to stop everything from spinning, but all it did was make his head hurt worse.

"How?" he finally managed to ask, his eyes searching Deanna’s face for answers to his questions. Whatever reaction Chris had been expecting, this wasn’t it. _This_ he had never even imagined. "How?" he repeated when she didn’t say anything. "I’ll fucking kill Ryan if he…"

“Ryan?” she asked, sounding confused and, for the first time, a little angry. “Ryan knows? You told _Ryan_ before me?”

“We didn’t tell Ryan,” Chris muttered, praying she wouldn’t ask how he found out. The absolute last thing he wanted to do right now was explain to Deanna how Elliott and Ryan had walked in on them.

“So who else knows? The other Idols? The crew? Have you and Ace even been trying to hide this or…?” her voice broke a little and she looked away from him. Chris could see her struggling to stay strong and calm, while fighting to cover the pain she was obviously in.

“Only Elliott and Taylor,” Chris said quietly.

Deanna nodded, not looking very surprised. “ _Only_ them. Well, you have very loyal friends. None of them said a word. I guess that means Ryan gets to live.”

“Then how…?”

“I’m not blind,” Deanna said softly, her voice clear with only the slightest waver in it. “And I know you better than almost anyone, or at least I thought I did.”

Chris sank down on the couch, massaging the tense muscles in the back of his neck, still feeling a little shell-shocked by the whole thing.

“I tried to convince myself it was just friendship, or that it was one-sided, but I couldn’t ignore the way you look at him,” Deanna touched her thumb to the corner of her eye, blinking back unshed tears. “It was obvious that you adored him. And then once you were home, and you couldn’t sleep and things just got worse and worse, that’s when I really knew.”

“Nothing had happened yet,” Chris interjected, not sure why it really mattered at this point that Deanna knew that, but needing to tell her anyway.

“You really believe that, don’t you?” she said sympathetically . “Chris, it’s been happening for months, little by little, the two of you growing closer. There were times when I didn’t even want to watch the show because I knew I was going to have to see you together.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” Chris asked.

“You were lying to yourself, you weren’t going to admit it to me! You had to figure this out on your own. You had to figure out how you felt about him without me interfering. And you did,” Deanna smiled sadly. “It hurt, Chris. It hurt so much when I realized that you…” she paused to take a steadying breath. “That you love him.”

Chris stared at the floor, feeling like he should deny it, tell Deanna she was wrong, but knowing he couldn’t do that. “I don’t love you any less,” he said instead. It probably wasn’t the right thing to say, but it was the truth.

“I know that. That’s why I’m here. I could have just given up on you and cut my loses, but what we had…what we _have_ …means too much to me to let it end like that,” Deanna said, sitting beside him on the sofa.

“So what are you saying?” Chris asked.

“I guess I’m saying it’s your move. I don’t want to lose you, but at the same time, I feel like I already have. I just don’t know where I stand with you right now.”

“I love you,” Chris said. “I don’t want you to doubt that, but…I love him, too. I’m sorry. I didn’t plan for this to happen. It was the _last_ thing I expected, but I do. I don’t know what to do anymore,” he sighed, his head dropping into his hands.

Deanna didn’t bother to suppress her tears any longer. She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand and tried to smile at him. “It’s one thing to _think_ I know, but it’s so much harder to hear you actually say it.”

“I’m sorry,” Chris repeated, the words sounding hollow even to him. He wanted to comfort her, but he wasn’t sure he still had the right to do that.

“I meant what I said. I don’t hate you, and I don’t hate Ace. That would make everything so much easier, but I don’t. As clichéd as it sounds, I just want you to be happy and, it’s hard to admit this, but I think you really are right now.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Chris said. “You shouldn’t even still be talking to me.”

“Probably not,” Deanna smiled. “I know we have a lot to discuss, and I’m sure you have a lot to talk about with Ace, too,” she said quickly, as if she didn’t want to dwell on the thought too long. “I don’t want to make any decisions right now. Can we do that? Can we just give this some time?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“I do,” she said without hesitation. “Um, you know what? I actually am feeling a little tired now. I think I’m going to head back to my hotel. It’s been a long day,” Deanna said, trying unsuccessfully to keep her voice light.

“You don’t have to go,” Chris objected as she stood up.

“Yes, I do.”

Chris followed her to the door and hugged her tightly. “I have missed you,” he said softly causing her eyes to water again. He looked away as she brushed away the tears, hating himself for doing this to her.

“I missed you, too.” She reached for the door, then turned back to him suddenly. “I know you’re going to keep…seeing him. I’m not going to ask you to stop.”

Chris stared at the floor, nodding slightly. What was he supposed to do? Thank her for giving him permission to keep sleeping with Ace?

“Okay…” Deanna said, breaking the awkwardness of the moment. She kissed him quickly on the cheek. “I’ll see you later.”

Chris closed the door behind her, feeling guilty as he realized he was relieved she was gone. He leaned against it, running a hand over his face and letting out a slow breathe. “So what the hell do I do now?” he asked the empty room.

~*~*~*~

Chris was going crazy all alone. He needed something to do to kill time while he waited for Ace to return. He picked up his guitar for about half a second, planning to work on what he’d dubbed “Ace’s Song”, before deciding that was probably a bad idea. He’d left a message for Ace nearly half an hour ago asking him to come back, but so far no Ace, and his phone had remained stubbornly silent no matter how many times he glared at it or checked to make sure the battery wasn’t dead.

Chris threw himself down on the bed wishing that Elliott and Taylor were back. Anything to break the monotony of the silence. Bucky was out with them, so that only left the girls. He half-heartedly considered going to see what they were up to, but he knew there would be questions that he was in no mood to answer.

He spotted Ace’s ipod laying on the nightstand and shrugged. Despite their different tastes in music, it could be amusing. He slipped the headphones on, searching for Ace’s playlists. He grinned as he scrolled through them, stopping abruptly as he found, nestled between ‘bouncy songs’ and ‘depressing music’, a playlist simply titled ‘Chris’.

He was halfway through the twenty-five or so songs when Ace finally showed up. “Hey,” he said, closing and locking the door behind him. “I got your message,” he continued turning to face Chris. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Chris tried to keep a straight face as he pushed the headphones down around his neck and smirked. “You want my sex, huh?”

“ _What_?” Ace squeaked, his voice hitting an octave Chris had only heard when he was singing falsetto.

Chris held the ipod up and waved it at him.

“Oh! That,” he laughed as he flopped across the foot of the bed, unable to keep the faint tinge of red from his cheeks. “That’s actually from before I, you know, _had_ your sex,” Ace explained, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Chris grinned, feeling more relaxed and at ease than he had all day. “How’d it go with Ryan?”

Ace shrugged, or shrugged the best he could still laying down, the smile fading from his lips. “I think his exact words were ‘you’re old enough to fuck up your life if that’s what you want.’ I guess that’s not quite his blessing, but he’s talking to me again. That’s something.” Ace was silent for a minute. “How’d things go here?”

“Not too bad. Deanna kind of already knew about us.”

“Really?” Ace asked, sitting up to look at Chris. “How?”

“Women’s intuition? I don’t know. She took it pretty well, all things considered,” Chris answered. “I’m just…relieved that everything’s out in the open.”

“So…what now?” Ace asked hesitantly, ducking his head to avoid Chris’ gaze.

Chris reached out and tilted his head up, forcing him to look at him. “We didn’t make any decisions today, and I’m not going to without talking to you first. You’re important to me and your feelings matter. I hate the way this all went down, but you know I don’t regret anything, right?”

Ace nodded, chewing absently on his bottom lip. It was a nervous habit that Chris had grown accustomed to and, despite the seriousness of their conversation, it made him smile. He realized, with sudden clarity, that he wanted to know all of Ace’s strange traits and idiosyncrasies. Like that he preferred to sleep on the left side of the bed or that he was obsessive about squeezing the toothpaste from the end of the tube.

“Ace?” Chris asked, touching the back of his hand lightly. Ace looked up at him, lip still trapped between his teeth. “Will you just kiss me already?”

“Absolutely,” Ace grinned, closing the small distance between them.

~*~*~*~

“Everything okay?”

Chris tore his attention away from the audience long enough to glance at Elliott. They were supposed to be rehearsing their duet, but Chris kept messing up the chord changes as his concentration drifted from the stage out into the auditorium where Ace and Deanna were sitting. He really hadn’t wanted her to come, but when she’d asked, he’d found it difficult to refuse her.

It had been okay as long as he was out there with her, and Ace had been onstage or chatting with Mandisa or otherwise avoiding them like the plague. But the minute Chris had left them both alone, they’d somehow ended up together.

Elliott followed Chris’ line of sight and sighed. “You need to take a break, man?”

Chris watched as Deanna leaned in and whispered something to Ace and then stood up. She caught his eye and waved slightly. Chris raised his hand in acknowledgment, nodding as she mouthed “bye.”

“Chris?” Elliott asked.

“Um, no, I’m okay,” he assured Elliott. “Can we start over from the top?” he asked no one in particular.

He focused completely on the song this time and, even though it seemed to take forever, they finally finished. He left Elliott onstage to rehearse the rest of his set, then quickly handed the guitar to one of the stagehands and went to find Ace out in the auditorium.

Ace had moved further to the back, away from everyone and into the shadows.

“What was that about?” Chris asked, sliding into the seat beside him. He was calmed considerably by the fact that Ace didn’t seem even slightly upset, and neither had Deanna when she left.

“Deanna said to tell you that she was hoping to get an earlier flight, and she’d call you before she left,” Ace answered.

“That’s all?” Chris asked doubtfully.

“We talked,” Ace shrugged. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I was nervous about it, but I think I respect her even more now than I did before. She’s…something else.”

Chris was uncertain exactly what that meant, but he decided not to push it, especially since it didn’t seem that Ace was going to offer any more than that. “So…everything’s okay?” He lowered his voice and touched Ace’s knee, “We’re okay?”

Ace smiled at him, and Chris was surprised to feel his heart still flutter just a little at the simple gesture. “Yeah, we’re okay.”

Chris smiled back at him. Whatever happened, however this resolved itself, it would be okay. They would be okay. The three of them would get through this, maybe a little worse for wear, but they’d survive. He wasn’t naïve enough to think it would be easy, but, as he looked at Ace, he knew it would be worth it.


	9. Chapter 9

The flight had seemed to take forever. The cab ride over here had lasted an eternity. Now, as Chris took the stairs two at a time, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say when he reached his destination. For the first time, he thought that maybe he _should_ have called first. He looked down at the address scribbled on the tiny, worn piece of paper, double checking to make sure he had the right apartment, even though he knew it by heart. He slipped it back in his pocket, hoisting his one small suitcase onto his shoulder as he knocked and waited for the door to open.

Chris peered down the hall, pulling the beanie Ace had given him down further on his head and glancing away as two teenagers passed him, laughing and, thankfully, not paying him any attention. He looked up as the door squeaked open.

“Chris?” Ace asked disbelievingly. “What are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” Chris asked. “I’d really rather not do this in the hall.”

“Um, yeah. Yeah, come in,” Ace answered, opening the door fully to let him in.

Chris dropped his bag and looked around the apartment as Ace closed the door. Nervously, he pulled the beanie off and ran a hand over his head. “Is Ryan here?” he asked.

Ace shook his head and let out a gasp of surprise as Chris pinned him to the door. “I’ve missed you,” Chris whispered, letting one hand settle on Ace’s hip while the other tangled in his hair. He pulled Ace’s head down, too fueled by longing to take the care he would have liked to as their lips crashed together. Ace moaned into his mouth as Chris slid a leg between his, moving against him with just enough force to feel the hardness press into his thigh. “Want you,” Chris gasped as Ace’s hands settled on his waist, bringing them even closer together.

“Wait,” Ace said suddenly, using his height advantage to push Chris away a little. He put a hand on his chest to maintain the distance, his fingers flexing involuntarily against the muscle he found there. Ace looked down, trying to regain control of the situation. “I just saw you a week ago. You’re supposed to be at home. What happened?”

“I decided to come back early,” Chris sighed, realizing that he wasn’t going to get what he wanted, what they both wanted, until Ace was satisfied with his answers.

“Why?” Ace asked. “You said you needed this time after the tour to figure everything out.”

“Because I was fucking miserable,” Chris told him. “I mean, it was good to see everyone again. I hung out with my brother and some of my friends back home, and I got to spend time with the kids. But it just felt wrong. It felt like something was missing…and it was. You weren’t there.”

“Chris, I thought…”

“I know what I want, Ace. I’ve always known. From the minute we met in Denver, it’s all been leading up to this. I want to be with you,” Chris said. “Only you,” he added in a whisper.

“What about Deanna?” Ace asked, crossing his arms defensively. Chris knew that, even though they’d been together, the uncertainty of the last three months had been difficult for Ace, and he hadn’t expected him to just fall into his arms without any reservations.

Chris raised a hand to Ace’s shoulder, rubbing it soothingly as he talked. “Deanna and I agree that splitting up is for the best, no matter what happens with you and me. I still care about her, and she’s always going to be a part of my life. I mean, the kids and…I can’t just abandon them.”

Ace bristled slightly under his touch. “I’d never ask you to do that.”

“No,” Chris said quickly. “I know you wouldn’t. It’s just…this is going to be a hard adjustment for them, for all of us. They’re going to need me.”

Ace winced. “I feel like I’m tearing your family apart.”

“You’re not!” Chris said forcefully. “Ace, I don’t want you to even think that. Things happen and people change, but whether I’m with you or Deanna, I’m always going to be there for my kids. Don’t worry about that.”

“I know. You’re a wonderful father,” Ace told him. “They know how much you love them.”

“What about you?” Chris asked quietly, tugging Ace closer to him until he could wrap his arms around him. “Do you know how much I love _you_?”

Ace turned his head away from him, but when he finally met Chris’ gaze he was smiling. “I love you, too,” he answered.

~*~*~*~

Chris lay on his stomach, his head resting on his arms, as he watched Ace sleep. A stray lock of hair had fallen across his face, and Chris reached out, careful not to disturb him, and tucked it behind his ear.

Listening to his soft snores, Chris wondered when sex with Ace had become so familiar. Not boring, and certainly not dull, but comfortable in the way that only came from prolonged intimacy. They’d moved with the practiced ease of lovers who knew what the other was thinking, what the other wanted. They’d made love with the confidence of knowing what response each touch, each thrust, each whispered word, would elicit from the other. They’d driven each other to the brink over and over again, before collapsing, spent, in each others arms.

Chris smiled at his sleeping…what? Lover? Boyfriend? The thought turned the smile into a full blown grin. Whatever term he used, it all meant the same thing. Ace was his and, maybe more importantly, he was Ace’s. If anyone had told him six months ago that he’d end up naked and sated in Ace’s bed, contemplating a future with him, he would have asked them what they’d been smoking. But now, he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

There were still problems ahead of them. Chris wasn’t really looking forward to Ryan’s reaction when he discovered him here in the morning. And there were other family members that would have to be told sooner or later, although Chris was hoping to let his deal with the news about him and Deanna before springing Ace on them. Not to mention their very public careers and the impact it could have if word of their relationship got out. But upset parents and shocked fans be damned, Chris decided. He and Ace had gone through too much to get where they were, and they could deal with whatever obstacles came their way.

Chris yawned, the combination of their exertions and the jet lag finally catching up with him. He pulled the blanket around them tighter and reached over to turn off the lamp on the nightstand. He paused just a second, taking one more long look at Ace, a slow smile creeping onto his face, before clicking the light off and plunging them into darkness.

 _The End_


End file.
